Jun. 23, 2018

One of Butch’s favorite stories to tell when someone mentioned children leaving home or empty nesters was about a couple who stood, arm in arm, as their last child drove away from home to live on their own. The wife wistfully turned to her husband and said, “Well, dear, you are all I have left.” The husband thoughtfully replied, “Well dear, I’m all you started with.”

I remember listening to a friend talking about her oldest child preparing to move out to launch their new life. At that time, our sons were 16 and 12. I told her that I could not imagine what it would be like to have one of your children leave home and not be part of the flow of your life. It seemed so sad. She assured me that God had a way of helping you with that project. She said there is no one more arrogant and all-knowing that a senior in high school. This way, by the time they graduate and head off, you can’t wait for them to leave. After a few attempts at launching and returning, by the time my kids both left home for their new lives, I was, indeed, looking forward to having an empty nest with Butch.

Having attended a soccer event at least monthly, if not weekly for 20 years, it was strange to be distant from that part of their lives. I was not sure there actually was life after soccer. There were now no children to blame for messes, dirty dishes, or undone chores. It was all us. The empty gas tank could not be the fault of a third party. We gradually found a nice flow where, most of the time, we each did the chores we enjoyed and negotiated the rest. He did the lawns, I did the flower beds. We did big yard projects together. I washed and dried the laundry as I dashed off to work or school and he folded and put it away as he watched TV. No hassle, no arguments, just cooperative partnership. It was never really balanced, though. I went back to school in 2006 and was often engaged in work or school 60 hours per week and doing homework the rest of the time. He maintained not only our home, but the clean and sober residence we owned and his mother’s house, after her husband died.

I attended a workshop once, where the speaker asked us to introduce ourselves without a reference to another person. Terms such wife, mother, neighbor, teacher, employee, etc. were off the table. We had to describe ourselves in terms of what we enjoyed or wanted to do or become, or our past accomplishments, etc. It was so hard for everyone to define themselves as just a self, not as a part of a relationship. A great discussion followed about how other people are so woven into the fabric of our lives that we forget that we are individuals with hopes and dreams of our own. It reminded us that there is a huge difference between unhealthy dependence and empowering interdependence. Shortly thereafter, I attended another workshop where the facilitator said, “Please introduce yourself and tell us a little about yourself.” I used the same introduction I had struggled to craft at the previous event. I said I had gone back to school recently and was excited about a second career as a therapist. I love soccer, the ocean and the mountains. I enjoy reading books about the brain and my hobby is beading. The facilitator stared at me like a deer in the headlights for a couple seconds, and then said, “Don’t you want to tell us anything personal? You know, like if you are married or your family or things like that?” No codependency here.

Becoming us without them forces us to examine ourselves as an individual, whether we want to or not. The first year is all about the blinding pain. There is so much to do. Putting one foot in front of the other is about all we can manage. We ask, “Where am I and how did I get here?”

The next year or so is about what has been taken. Whatever roles they played in our lives must be filled in another way. We have to figure out their half of everything. We are aware of the gaping holes in our hearts and lives. We are without. There is not one relationship that existed when we were a couple that remains unchanged. Some, sadly, end. New ones must be carved out of what seems like stone. We wonder, “Can I really live without them? Do I want to?”

We have hoped that we might begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel by the third year. The pain of the loss itself has softened in intensity and swamps us less often. We have fallen into most of the holes and found most of the minefields. The work of the third year seems most difficult of all. Becoming us without them now means precisely that, standing alone as us, just us, and only us. The more we defined ourselves as the sum total of our relationship with them, the harder this will be. We are left asking the question, “Do I matter alone? Can there be joy again?”

The degree to which we formed our own support network, our own interests, and our own internal sense of safety and belonging, will determine what happens next. If we have none of that in place when we hit this stage in the grief process it will be an arduous task to keep our heads above water. Even if we have all our resources lined up and waiting, this is hard work. Is the pain loneliness or invisibility? We woke up every day knowing that we mattered to them. Even if they were mad at us, we were on their mind. They wanted to be with us. No one had to make a note to include us in their plans. It was a given. Do we matter to anyone now? Does anyone wake up and wonder how we are doing and look forward to hearing our voice? Have we become only an obligation? An item on someone’s to-do list? Are we nothing more than that extra thing that people must remember?

At its core, becoming us without them means finding an answer to that one question. What makes us matter? Is the answer found only in the eyes of the people in our world or is it found deep inside of ourselves? Is it measured by our calendar or the number of connections on our social media page? What is its source? Who can help us navigate in the wilderness as we seek to find joy on our own?

When Butch participated in the Eppie’s Great Race all those years, it was on him to believe in his ability to complete the race. It was necessary for him to invest in himself. He had to practice every Saturday for weeks despite hating to run. He set aside resources for the proper equipment. He planned and strategized. He was proud of himself every year; not because he ever won, but because he overcame all the obstacles and got to the end. He would be the first to tell you that he could not have made it on his own. The support people along the way were invaluable. They gave him water as he ran by. They cheered. They kept his bike safe while he ran and as he completed the kayaking leg. They secured his kayak while he hobbled onto shore and across the finish line. They loved supporting the race as much as he loved participating.

The journey of grief is a marathon, not a sprint. One thing we know above all else. It is impossible to finish alone. We must reach out for those cool glasses of water as we run. We need to invite others to share our marathon, so they can cheer for us. Even the most gifted athletes ask for and accept the tangible help they need to compete successfully. So, must we.

In the end, we matter because we show up and run the race. We matter to ourselves and to those who are enriched by our having been in their lives. Best of all, we mattered to God before we were ever born, and we will matter to him for eternity.

May. 30, 2018

Butch was an avid bicycle rider. Already retired, his best friend and bicycle buddy, Dick, traveled all over the world on his bicycle. Butch’s bucket list was headed up with retirement at age 66 followed by joining Dick on his travels.

Over the course of six years, he and Dick, accompanied by a changing crew of other riders, bicycled the distance between Canada and Mexico. The first year they hopped on their bicycles, rode out of our driveway nearly 100 miles to Chico, CA. They next day they completed what is now called the Chico Wildflower Century ride. In 10 days of wandering they covered around 600 miles. In subsequent years, they would bite off another big chunk of the California Coast and take the train to and from starting and ending places. They used a great book with information about campgrounds with bicycle camping, places to eat, and what the people would be like in various locals. The final year ended with their crossing into Mexico. They stopped in San Diego, rented a motel room, unhooked their BOB trailers from the bikes and cleaned up. The ride into Mexico would be short and celebratory. Butch, having grown accustomed to pulling the trailer and adjusting his braking to the extra weight, entered Mexico with a crash. Coming to an abrupt stop, he hit the brakes too hard for the bike without the trailer. Since his feet were clipped into his pedals, he and the bicycle flipped forward, landing him dramatically on his face. They giggled like little boys as they recounted the tale over the years.

The year they started in Canada, rode the ferry south on their bikes, and completed the north-most leg of the journey, it rained most of the time. That is no big surprise to anyone familiar with coastal Washington. It is lush and green for a very good reason. But knowing how rainy it is outside in Washington and experiencing how rainy it is in Washington when you are outside, traveling on a bicycle, are two entirely different things. Looking out the window at the rain with quick runs to and from the car is nuisance enough. But spending all day and/or night out in the rain takes it to a whole new level. They woke up each morning listening from inside their tents to see if it was raining already. They went to bed wondering if the water would rise around their tent or form a stream from above during the night. Finding a campground with some sort of covered area where they could sleep moved up on the value scale with winning the lottery. A truly epic campground included a covered area with a fire pit at its center where they could hang clothes out to dry near the fire and feel warm and sheltered. They would pack for the day completely differently than in sunny California. It takes lots of plastic bags or purchased “dry bags” to make life function at all. But every time you need to open one, the rain gets in. Food prep can be a big deal. Wet stuff is heavier than dry stuff, so the trailers are harder to pull. You find out if the advertisement for “rain proof” outerwear needs to be rewritten to “rain resistant”, leaking after hours in the rain. It was not unusual to find them in a laundromat (a sought-after hangout for warmth and dryness) at the end of a day’s ride, washing the clothes from that day, and drying everything they had so carefully packed in the morning. One day they stopped in a small town and asked the owner at the Mom and Pop store if there was a laundromat nearby. They were welcomed into the gym at the high school and allowed to use theirs. Butch loved a challenge and wrapped his mind around the problem, trying new ideas for packing, sleeping, etc. as the trip progressed. As he told the story once, he said, “That rain just wears you out. Every minute of every day is about the absence or presence of the rain.”

In the two years since Butch’s death, being alone has become like that rain in my life. In the same way that I never thought very seriously about rain before I heard the stories of that long week in Washington, I never thought very seriously about being alone until he died. I was often alone before. I was alone in my car. I woke up and left for work while Butch was still asleep. I went to bed alone more days than not since his work days started and ended much later than mine. We both attended social and holiday events alone because of our off-sync work schedules. I enjoyed the solitude afforded by his adventures with the guys, planning girl time and big projects while he was gone. He was rarely able to take time off for visits family in other states. All that aloneness was time-limited. And he was there at the beginning and waiting at the end every time. Shared days off were savored like the covered campground with the fire pit at the end of a long, soggy day.

A large part of becoming us without them means learning how to find joy in life despite being alone. Even if we have people around all the time, we don’t have the one person we long for the most. Living inside and watching rain through the window is completely different from living outside and wearing the rain all day. Alone time and being alone are, likewise, eons apart. From the first moment of awareness each day, to the last moment before falling asleep, the realization that we are alone is a constant companion. The majority of meals are eaten alone. We are alone in the car. We will pack everything differently now, whether it is the grocery bags, the laundry basket, or a suitcase. There are no “dry bags” that will prevent the seepage of aloneness into every nook and cranny of life. There is no laundromat where we can pop our lives into a dryer and find them good as new when the buzzer sounds. The connection and companionship that included retreats of alone time disappears. That is replaced by unrelenting aloneness with retreats of connection and companionship. Even the best social support, is time limited. We have to go home. The aloneness is waiting at the end every of every day and every adventure. The often painful and complicated relationships with others were once small, pesky tug boats in the sheltering harbor of the love and companionship we shared with our soul mate. They are now all that is left in the harbor. Hold tight to those unstable connections and we can feel torn in every direction. Cast off the lines and we are adrift at sea.

There is no fast forward button for this process. Each of us will eventually travel the distance from the old life to the new one. We can prolong the trip with denial and avoidance. We choose our own tour guides and traveling companions, some of whom may derail the whole train. It will most certainly include dramatic falls onto our face. It can be hard to believe that we will ever again find a campground with a covered place for shelter and a fire pit for warmth. Hold tightly to the hand of your grieving mentors. They know the way to all the good campgrounds.

I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to help you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future……….

Jan. 21, 2018

https://www.facebook.com/BarbaraFieldOnGrief/posts/415543722235905 

Our first Christmas as a couple was in December of 1970. Butch’s draft number was 26 for the military. His brother-in-law got him set up to take the exam for the Air Force Reserves. With un-diagnosed dyslexia, he failed the written test. So, he joined the Army rather than waiting for the inevitable notice that his number had come up. He did basic training at Fort Ord, in Monterey California. Schooling was in Virginia. He had a one-week pass at Christmas time. Having proposed before leaving for the army, my Christmas gift was an engagement ring that probably cost him a month's salary. His sister took one look at it, and loudly announced, “My God, that's the smallest diamond I ever saw.” I'm not sure it qualified as a chip. He later replaced that diamond when he discovered that the manager of my apartment building was a jewelry maker and had access to wholesale prices for diamonds. It was still pretty small. Eventually he gave me a lovely ring for our 40th anniversary.

Our first Christmas after we were married was in December of 1972. We drove home from Fort Hood, Texas where we were stationed, to Sacramento, CA to spend Christmas with his family. We owned a Volkswagen bug. His mom gave us a bean bag chair, a very hot item in 1972. She then announced that, because it wouldn't fit in our car, (which it would have) she had asked his sister to keep it for us until we moved back to Sacramento. It was a great way to give a gift to two people and only pay for one. We never saw the bean bag chair again. It was the only Christmas in my memory that it was cold enough to snow in Sacramento and have the snow stay on the ground for over a week. It was equally cold in Texas that winter. It was great fun to watch the people from all over the world driving in snow for the first time. The snow literally immobilized the town. No garbage. No school. Nothing. There was a yield sign at the intersection where we lived. Not everyone understood what a yield sign was, even in good weather. But on snowy / icy days, we could watch out the window as cars literally ice skated into one another.

The next Christmas, December 1973, we were in Minnesota with my family. Our oldest son had been born in August, so it was our first Christmas as a family. It was also the first Christmas since my parent’s divorce. My mom bought us a tree and we used her ornaments in exchange for hosting Christmas dinner at our apartment, with my family. My dad asked us to come to his house for Christmas morning hoping to create something with the new wife like we had with my mom. His new wife must not have received the memo, as she was stunned that we were there. This was her first Christmas in her lovely new home and her large family was coming for Christmas dinner. She was very upset that we were making a mess in her living room, opening our presents. Halfway through, she made us stop, clean up, and run the vacuum while she started dinner. We were then required to put our paper and ribbons in a garbage bag as we finished opening our packages. She chased us out the door as soon as we finished opening our presents. It was in the middle of the recession, during the oil crisis, and Butch was working as a parts runner for a local Ford dealer. A month later he was offered a truck driving job in Sacramento. He left to take the job and I stayed in Minnesota to close out our apartment and work off the 60-day notice that was part of our agreement as apartment managers.

Christmas 1974 found us living in Lodi, CA on a dairy and Butch driving for a company that made dill pickles in Stockton. At 16 months, our son’s favorite treat was a dill pickle that was as big as his hand. We were so broke that our Christmas tree was originally a poinsettia plant. Just before Christmas, someone gave Butch a Christmas tree that was about 2 feet tall. We strung popcorn and other shiny things to decorate the tree. All of the gifts were for the baby. Even at that young age he seemed to understand that Christmas was all about him and we were counting on him to have a good time. He opened every gift with great flourish and amazing enthusiasm, even the socks. We then went to his mom's house in Sacramento for Christmas dinner.

After we settled down in Sacramento in 1976, we spent Christmas with his family most of the time for the rest of our marriage. Like all families, there were issues. I wasn't my mother-in-law's favorite person for many years and eventually it was just too hard to be there. For 3 years we went snow skiing instead of participating in the family Christmas. We would stay in the motel next door to our favorite ski resort. There were stockings hung on the towel racks in the bathroom and we each gave one another a single gift, using the rest of the funds to enjoy the skiing. Even with the tourists from other countries, there weren't many people there Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. You literally skied until you were too tired to ski anymore. The night skiing was amazing. On clear nights, you could see forever. We drove in to a nearby casino for Christmas dinner. Eventually, the tension and animosity faded away. We all aged and mellowed and Christmas with his family became a pleasant evening that we look forward to attending.

Christmas with our kids slowly evolved over the years as well. With the addition of girlfriends and wives, competition for prime dates in December grew cumbersome. The goal was to have a long, leisurely afternoon and evening together without anyone having to hurry off to the next event. Granddaughters and nap times have forced adjustments, but those are only temporary. We began having Christmas in January. We all take advantage of the sales after Christmas. Returns and exchanges are complete and often supplement the budget for the January gift giving. By the time our boys have Christmas with their in-laws, their own families, and Butch’s family, before, on, or shortly after the 25th, it is nice to have a bit of a break before our family gets together. My favorite part of Christmas has always been the stockings. I look for interesting gadgets, strange trinkets, and unique little surprises all year. In addition to the customary fruit, there are everyone’s favorite candies and snacks. There is the annual tiny flashlight for your key chain and a new pair of scissors for everyone. By the time Christmas comes, the stockings have overflowed into a medium SpaceBag for each person that is handy for storage all year.

Our last Christmas together was January 16, 2016. His heart attack was January 26th and he died February 13, 2016. Christmas 2017 loomed large on the horizon, but the 1 and 2-year-old granddaughters, enjoying the festivities, brought joy to what could have been a very difficult day. This year, we added my brother and his wife and their 9 and 11-year-old kids to our celebration, resulting in a busy and fun-filled day. There was little time to regret what was lost as we created something new.

Becoming us without them turns every holiday into a two-edged sword. There is no way to avoid the fact that the old traditions and rituals are gone forever. Letting go of those is a little like losing our loved ones again and again. Moving on and enjoying the new life we are forced to create is complicated. Embracing something new always involves losing something old, even if it is voluntary or exciting. But this is not voluntary at any level. We would give anything to have the old life back. Focusing on what has been lost, to the exclusion of what is ahead, is like doing math homework for misery. You learn your times tables by reciting them over and over. You learn misery by practicing it over and over too. Finding the balance between the necessary grief and the necessary growth will be the most difficult thing we will every have to do. This is yet another reason why our grieving peers and mentors are some important. They help us find that balance. They give us permission to take all the time we need to grieve the tremendous loss we have sustained. They also help us believe in a future that is worth living for, even when we can’t see it ourselves. All of our friends and loved ones make it worth putting one foot ahead of another until the joy outshines the sadness and life has flavor and color again.

One of the toughest things after Butch died was finding all those stocking stuffers around as I cleaned out the house, his truck, and his shop. Each of them is a reminder that I don’t ever get to do that for him again. But then I watch my granddaughters, niece and nephew gleefully pulling treasures out of their stockings and I feel that joy shining into the dark places again.